During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade--at any time of the year.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

It's easy for anyone to land a stricken airliner providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

A slap to the face is a good antidote for hysteria.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place.  No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you
want without difficulty.

Men who walk around without a shirt on never get cold or sunburned.

If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language.  A German accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.

When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill  - just grab one at random and hand it over.  It will always be the exact fare.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.

Even minor impacts will cause most cars to burst into flames and explode.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.

It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.  Especially if you are a police detective, "Yeah"  is an adequate greeting.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds--unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Seedy private detectives with drinking problems often have beautiful women with marital problems as clients.

Driving in San Francisco routinely involves sailing through the air for hundreds of feet, so the cars sold there are built to withstand the subsequent landings in one piece and
still be driveable.

Even in the distant future, electrical panels in spacecraft will be highly prone to short circuits that produce showers of sparks at the slightest provocation.

All manholes emit steam.

Most men can smash any door down with their shoulder.

The words "hooga booga" are universal to all languages on the African continent.

Even before the advent of cellular phones, all psychotic killers had a way to place a phone call to their victim from inside the victim's house.

Submitted by Maury Cagle at : maury.cagle@ccmail.census.gov