When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the back yard. I was an only child . . . eventually.

My neighbor has a circular driveway. He can't get out.

I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen some of it.

My school colors were clear.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories . .

How much more water would the ocean have if sponges didn't live there?

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live in the apartment above me are furious.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why did you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No thanks - I'm not going that far."

I'm a peripheral visionary.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?