I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I will show you a man who can't get his pants off!

Minds are like Parachutes. They work best when open.

I'm not having hot flashes, I'm having power surges!

Just because you're smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does it stick to the pan?

Young at Heart. Slightly Older in Other Places.

We have a strange and wonderful relationship. You're strange and I'm wonderful.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Having an out of body experience. Back in five.

Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once. If at first you don't succeed, to heck with it.

Do unto others, then run.-Benny Hill

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid doing altogether.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.-Lily Tomlin

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?

Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.

Does "anal retentive" have a hyphen?

I get plenty of exercise-jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate.

Sweat is nature's way of showing you your muscles are crying.

You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.